satire

Portfolio Quarter 2 Portfolio Project: Satire 11/9/07

Pigskin problems plaguing player

Unfortunately, a member of the Wellesley High School football team, who will remain nameless because of security reasons, is facing charges from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) after his performance last Saturday. The wide receiver, who did not have a high IQ, showed up at the game with the skin of pig. Apparently, he did not understand the coach’s request to bring a pigskin, and in doing so, stole the pig of his great aunt. His desperate attempt to get back on the coach’s good side came a week after his embarrassing gymnastics routine during practice. He drew comparisons to Amelia Bedelia, and the investigative news team at the paper discovered that she was in fact, the sister of his cousin’s friend’s uncle who lived in Idaho with his grandmother and pet dog. Regardless of the situation, he still faces criminal charges for the slaughtering of a pig, and not guilty by reason of mental disability has been ruled out. Although he is in hiding to protect himself, he was able to communicate this message: “52”. The investigative news team has no idea what it means, but a member, Joe Shmoe, says, “We take it to be a good sign, and we are looking at all possible combinations of this message. So far, we have two”. With the criminal case getting started, it appears as though this could be a tough one for our accused football player. The presiding judge, Judge Smith, lives on a farm and has an adopted pet pig. This could be problematic, as Judge Smith is most likely to sympathize with the deceased pig. Confidential sources say that the deceased, Tabitha, was the mother of three, and loved by all. Marge, the football player’s aunt, will testify, and yesterday said through tears, “I don’t know what I’m going to do without her, she was everyone’s best friend”. The jury will not take this information lightly, and the school population is eagerly awaiting the outcome of the trial.